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4 Things That Never Define Who We Are

4 Things That Never Define Who We Are

It seemed like she looked right through me. 

You’re the pastor’s wife? You’re not what I expected.

Have you ever been anyone’s “not what I expected”? 

If you’ve lived any amount of time on this earth, it’s highly likely. And this certainly wasn’t my first rodeo for not meeting someone’s expectations, and it wouldn’t be my last. 

The Wrong Definitions

Because all the wrong ways others attempt to define us or we attempt to define ourselves, have circulated for countless ages. Really, these false dictionary-attempting claims started in the beginning and in our beginning. 

So, let’s look at 4 things, 4 R’s, that never define who we are.

With each one, we discover how God defines who we are from the book of Truth. 

(1.) Roots never define who we are.

Plants have roots. Those of us who color our hair have roots. People have roots from childhood and family experiences.

Although I started going to church in elementary school, I didn’t have a spiritual upbringing or grounding in God’s Word. So when my parents divorced, I felt unseen and unheard and unloved. 

But when I accepted Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior at sixteen, and later had mentors in college and as a woman, I began to grow spiritual roots. 

Our root-system in Christ most accurately describes us: loved, chosen, forgiven, and redeemed. 

If your childhood became cut off from a secure source of parents or family. If decisions in your teen and young adult years caused root-damage. Or, if your marriage feels dried up instead of nourishing, the Lord is your source of nourishment for healthy roots, now. 

As we walk closely with the Lord, we become rooted and established in the faith (Colossians 2:6-7).

Jesus establishes our correct identity in Him. 

Jesus establishes our correct identity in Him.  Click To Tweet

(2.) Rejections never define who we are.

Perhaps, like me, rejection yanked the rug out from under your fragile heart too many times. 

And rejection leaves a hole in our soul wider than the Grand Canyon. Yet, we make the mistake of equating actions done to us as a title to wear. The actions of others should never pen the labels we stick on ourselves.    

Rejection is an action, not a person. Rejection does not make me a reject. 

On the flip side, acceptance is not only an action, but also a living being—God.

Patterned in the image of my Creator accurately describes me: accepted, valued, and precious. 

Declare these statements out loud: God wants me. The Lord pursues me. God stays intimately connected to me. The Father never disowns me.

(3.) Roles never define who we are.

4 Things That Never Define Who We Are

As a pastor’s wife for eighteen years, I never met everyone’s ideals of how they defined the role. People are naturally fault-finders in the various roles of life we each step into, especially in the church and among believers. 

Why is that? The enemy! 

Satan enjoys it when we back-bite, criticize, and tear other Christians down instead of speaking life over each other.

The enemy throws a party of darkness when we speak death and negativity to others instead of encouraging other co-workers, leaders, wives, husbands, moms, dads, siblings, and so on.

Seriously, we hear various opinions on the right way to do just about everything—spiritually and otherwise. 

But what if I started weighing criticism from people against who God says I am? Because the scales always tip toward “in Christ” where I’m a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17).

What if I started weighing criticism from people against who God says I am? Because the scales always tip toward “in Christ” where I’m a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17). Click To Tweet

And what if I took my cue about who I am from the Great I AM? 

Because my “roles” are blessings from the Lord. God never meant for roles to define me. 

I’m fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). This is who I am.

(4.) Ruins never define who we are.

Like ruins from a natural disaster, many of us have times when personal ruins try to highlight the biographies of who we are. 

Ruins are inevitable. Eventually our walls tumble. Buried beneath the rubble, we are unable to dig ourselves out. We need a Rescuer. One who promises to dig us out of the rubble and rebuild our lives. 

Declare these promises out loud:

When my ruins are wounds, God heals me.

And when my ruins are imprisonment, Christ sets me free. 

When my ruins are losses, the Lord comforts me.

And when my ruins are brokenness, Jesus makes me whole.

Christ lifts me from the rubble and sets me on the stable Rock—Himself.

When my ruins are wounds, God heals me. When my ruins are imprisonment, Christ sets me free. When my ruins are losses, the Lord comforts me. And when my ruins are brokenness, Jesus makes me whole. Click To Tweet
4 Things That Never Define Who We Are

Who You Are

Reflect on ways you have let roots, rejections, roles, and ruins define you. Where can you change your perspective to line up with God’s Word? 

Defining who you are pairs well with last week’s post, Find Your Voice and Tell Your Story.

*Photos by my husband, Mike Friday, of our granddaughter.

Sometimes I participate in these link-ups:

Legacy Linkup/Inspire Me Monday/Tell His Story/Recharge Wednesday/Let’s Have Coffee/Tune in Thursday/Heart Encouragement/Embracing the Unexpected/Candidly Christian and Faith On Fire.


© 2021 by Karen Friday, All rights reserved

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May 6, 2021 at 8:30 am | Uncategorized


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We are not what our inner labels say–what our negative self-talk says to us. We are what God says we are. Thanks for reminding us.

Karen says:

Most of us tend to be our own worst critic. So if we have other critics in our lives, we end up buried beneath the rubble of lies. Glad for assurance in who the Father says we are in Christ.

Yvonne Morgan says:

I love the list of things that DO NOT define who we are and especially the first one, roots. Only God can truly define us and He makes us new when we accept Him into our lives. Great post Karen

Karen says:

Yvonne, thank you. As we walk closely with the Lord, we become rooted and established in the faith (Colossians 2:6-7).

This is a great post of encouragement for so many of us who had tragedies and brokenness that made us feel as if we and all we wanted to do in this life had been ruined. This statement really resonates: “Many of us have times when personal ruins try to highlight the biographies of who we are.” This is so true. And yet, our identity is “in Christ.”

Karen says:

Melinda, I relate to a state of brokenness and the inevitable ruins that follow when I spend time trying to build my life and my own kingdom…only to have it crumble and fall. Glad our Rescuer digs us out of the rubble and rebuilds our lives.

It’s so crucial to know who we are in and with God, never giving precedence to what others think of us. That is NOT who we are, Karen, you are so right! Only our loving Father defines us, and His definition is always good.
Blessings!

Karen says:

Oh, yes, Martha! “Only our loving Father defines us….” Amen and Amen!

~ linda says:

How I needed to read this today…this day! Karen, I have spent much, far too much, of my life living under these “Rs” and know that God is over all. He created me as He did, not as others, circumstances, roles and I define me. I must listen for God to tell me who I am and Whose I am. Thank you for this great post.

Karen says:

So glad this spoke to your heart, Linda. Who we are and whose we were never meant to be separated, but one in the same. God bless!

J.D. Wininger says:

Oh, you should have heard all the “amens” as I was reading your post Ms. Karen. 😀 It isn’t who anyone else but God thinks I am that matters. Partly because I’m no longer who I was now that I am in Him, and He is in me. That person is dead, or at least dying and decaying, as God works His miraculous healing through the act of sanctification, I am becoming more like His Son with each passing day. I guess it’s sort of like the kitten looking in the mirror and seeing the mighty lion. It’s what God sees us as that matters. Our job is simply to keep that vision of ourselves (our true self) in our minds so we continue to work towards that vision/goal. Love this post ma’am!

Karen says:

J.D., enjoy having you in my “Amen” corner. 🙂 You’re spot on, what God thinks about us is the only One who matters and He matters most. Agree, may we continue to die to self, to live the crucified life, so Christ lives in and through us. (Galatians 2:20)

Evelyn Mason Wells says:

This is an excellent devotion. Thank you for sharing.

Karen says:

I’m fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). This is who I am.

These are such good points, Karen. Once we become His, He defines us and redeems everything about us.

Karen says:

So true, Barbara, God “redeems everything about us.” In Christ, we’re new creations (2 Corinthians 5:17).

Such good advice! And a good reminder to me in this season of my own life as I navigate new roles and new “labels.”

Karen says:

Thanks, Ava. That’s a great point, our roles and labels change in various seasons of life. But roles were never meant to define us.

Karen, we often let so many things define us that we should not. 4 great things we should not let define us. Our enemy wants us to be defined by all these things, but God defines us differently. And for that, I am so grateful.

Karen says:

Theresa, I’m so thankful for God’s truth that brings light into the darkness of lies! God wants me. The Lord pursues me. God stays intimately connected to me. The Father never disowns me.

Loved this post today! So much truth. From someone who has struggled (and still does) with rejection, it is important for me to remember that I may get rejected, but I am not a reject. Thanks for sharing this today!

Karen says:

Stephanie, glad this encouraged you. We are not what is done to us by people, like rejection. We are valued and precious to our heavenly Father.

Cathy Baker says:

You nailed it, Karen! Nothing and no one defines us but Jesus. I can relate to all four ways but thankfully, I’m learning to keep my eyes on Him. Great post!

Karen says:

Cathy, thank you for your kind comment. I’m also learning to see myself for who God says I am and how God sees me.

Thank you so much for this reminder that we are not defined by what other people say. We are created by God and that makes us special. 🙂

Karen says:

Yes, Melissa! Jesus establishes our correct identity in Him.

Nodding my head as I read— both in your life examples that wound us and in face to face Biblical truth. This is a post to be shared with teens and college aged women.

Karen says:

Marilyn, I agree young girls and women can definitely benefit with these truths. Sadly, it took me way to long to see myself from God’s perspective. And I still have to fight for it when the enemy comes knocking.

Mandy Farmer says:

Ooh, Karen. So much truth here. Gonna look this one and maybe shared on fb too

Karen says:

Thank you, Mandy. It’s definitely God’s truth that I desperately need to remind my heart of.

Karen, sadly, I believe I’ve allowed each of these R’s to define me at one point in my life. Rejection has been, by far, the most difficult to overcome. Thank goodness God meets us in the midst of those lies and speaks truth into our hearts; we just need to make certain we’re listening to His words of life so the lies lose their hold on our hearts. This is a powerful post!

Karen says:

Jeanne, I like how you said, “we just need to make certain we’re listening to His words of life so the lies lose their hold on our hearts.” Yes! The enemy uses rejection to defeat us in so many areas of life. Sadly, I’ve allowed all 4 R’s to attempt to define who I am. I pray we let the book of Truth define who we are in Christ.

Jessica Brodie says:

I love this post so much, Karen. We humans beat ourselves (and each other!) up all the time about identity and what we should or shouldn’t be doing/saying/etc. But God decides our identity, and it rests fully in Him. As a recovering people-pleaser, I’m clinging to that.

Karen says:

Glad this encouraged you, Jessica. I also used to be a people-pleaser. It’s why I committed Galatians 1:10 to memory years ago. “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” (ESV)

Jessica is fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). This is who she is.

Carlie says:

Thanks for this encouraging post, Karen! I’m so grateful for the Rescuer who digs us out of the rubble and tells us who we are.

Karen says:

Me too, Carlie. Hallelujah, Christ lifts us from the rubble and sets us on the stable Rock—Himself.

Karen, this article is so powerful and so needed. Oh my, I could remember a similar experience for everything you described here. May God’s Word, His love for us in Christ and His indwelling Spirit help us deflect every arrow sent by the enemy (via human beings). Thank you for covering this topic with honest feelings and real life valleys, offset by the truth and power of God’s love in Christ. May we anchor ourselves to His Word which stands forever! God bless you, Karen. Thank you for your faithfulness to Jesus, despite the difficult position of being a pastor’s wife, where everyone has their own expectations of what/who/how you should be. You are an inspiration to me!

Karen says:

Kind and encouraging words, Melissa. Thank you sweet friend. I desire to find my identiy in the One who created me and loves me like no other. I pray we know who we are from the book of Truth and not in the world’s attempts to define us. Our root-system in Christ most accurately describes us: loved, chosen, forgiven, and redeemed.

Lisa Blair says:

This is an insightful blog post and I especially appreciate, “Rejection is an action, not a person. Rejection does not make me a reject. On the flip side, acceptance is not only an action, but also a living being—God.”

Karen says:

Thanks so much, Lisa. I’m grateful: God wants me. The Lord pursues me. God stays intimately connected to me. The Father never disowns me.

Paula Short says:

Amen Karen, thank you for this blessed lesson to be had today. Thank you for your encouraging words. I’m not that label anymore. To God be the glory. Blessings.
~Selah~

Karen says:

Paula, Patterned in the image of our Creator accurately describes us: accepted, valued, and precious.

Linda Stoll says:

I’m going to say ‘amen’ four times to this post, Karen!

Thanks for speaking truth.

Karen says:

Thank you, Linda! We’re fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). This is who we are.

Lisa notes says:

It’s so easy to get caught up in who others say we are, but you’re right that we don’t need to listen to any of those voices. Just God’s. Thanks, Karen.

Karen says:

Lisa, so thankful Jesus establishes our correct identity in Him.

Joanne Viola says:

Karen, such a wonderful reminder for us all. I have probably worn all 4 of these at some point in my life. I am so grateful God exposes the lies to us and reveals who we truly are – His.

Karen says:

Joanne, for sure, the same goes for me. But, I’m now learning to take my cue about who I am from the Great I AM.

Amen!
Our identity in Christ is a rock solid foundation to support whatever else we May be according to his sovereign design!

Karen says:

I like this, “Our identity in Christ is a rock solid foundation….”

Laurie says:

Karen, thank you for these words of encouragement. What a positive, uplifting post! Roots, ruins, roles, and rejections should not define us. We are human – we are not perfect, but God had defined us as loved, cherished, and wanted.

Karen says:

Yes, Laurie. So thankful: God wants me. The Lord pursues me. God stays intimately connected to me. The Father never disowns me.

Susan Shipe says:

Lord knows I try to be authentic – but I’m probably not what people expected!!!!

Karen says:

We all deal with that, Susan. Thanks for sharing!

[…] been listening to lies again last week. That is, until I read Karen Friday’s post 4 Things That Never Define Who We Are. She helped me identify the exact source of the lies so I could expose them with […]

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